It's 73 degrees on this Texas evening. Middle of February. What the hell, right?
Over the last ten years (and probably longer), I've been pursuing perfection in my work. I know, somewhere in my mind, that is not achievable. I'm okay with that. Yet, I've been pushing myself toward that insurmountable mountain. I felt I was seeing results. I felt I was doing something few had ever attempted. Then I realized how foolish of a thought that was. Then I started second-guessing myself. Then I started to lose sleep. The sleep deprivation turned itself into a real nightmarish cocktail. It led to the first true depression I think I've had in my life.
I had exceeded expectations I subconsciously placed in my brain. By thinking like a perfectionist, I became more neurotic (and not just in my work). When Videotape was given an offer over a year ago, I was ecstatic and scared shitless. This was something that took nearly ten years. I had honestly almost completely given up on this dream. I was beginning to think that this project, this idea, this pursuit, was a failure. I needed to cut my losses and move on. Then the offer came. I then worried that this opportunity would somehow disappear. I was afraid this was some lie, another in a long list of lies given to me during this adventure.
Now that we've finally delivered Videotape to our sales agent, I'm left wondering what to do next. Where am I in life? Who am I in life? The same cliche questions we all raise at one point or another.
I love Videotape. It was my child for a good long while. It survived a lot of things, and was told "No" too many times to count. I refused to give up on my child. It was going to walk. It was going to go off into the world. It doesn't have a conventional brain, nor a conventional drive. There will be lots of people who do no understand what it is. As a parent, I can't stop those people from thinking that. But as a parent, I've done everything I can so this child of mine, now all grown up, will go out into this world and do the best it can. I have full faith in its abilities.
Consequently, I will never make another movie like Videotape again. It's too exhausting, too stressful, and at times pushed me into some dark places. Movies are difficult to make. This one was nearly impossible. On top of that, it was my first feature. What the hell, right?
I've continued writing new work, nothing finished. I have one particular idea, an idea I've been juggling around since I was sixteen or so. Last week, I sat down at the laptop and began writing out a full synopsis of this idea. I'll admit, my eyes watered periodically. It's funny how time evolves certain ideas and devolves others. This idea started off very barren. I wanted to tell a story about someone with mental and physical defects. I wanted to tell the story through that particular perspective.
Now the idea incorporates another element I have been tinkering with for less time. I'm not yet comfortable writing about it here. It's still too vague, but it holds promise.
I think this may be my next movie.
To end this post, I would like to clarify something. I don't wallow in my sorrows. At least, I don't anymore. My life has been more relaxing than anything else over the last month, and I am forever privileged and thankful. There are endless things on this planet going on right now that are far more important than anything going on in my life.
The adventure continues.